Step 2: Encouraging Good Behavior

Every time your child misbehaves there is an opposite good behavior you would like to have seen instead. Since most children respond better to rewards than to punishment, we are going to learn three skills for increasing the likelihood that your child will engage in desirable behavior.

1. Build a strong relationship through increasing positive interactions
2. Praise good behavior
3. Use a structured reward system

What would you like to see your child doing more?

Select the positive behaviors that you would like to see your child doing more often.

Planning Special Time

When families are stuck in patterns of misbehavior, many times the relationship between child and parents becomes tense and strained. Parents begin to feel like most of their time and energy goes into nagging, disciplining, reminding, and yelling at their kids. Children are angry, argumentative and get attention most often for misbehaving. During these times, no one feels like staying calm or being patient. Here are some strategies to help strengthen or rebuild the parent-child relationship. You may do many of these strategies already, but doing them more can decrease misbehavior by helping everyone feel better.

Schedule “special time” with your child every day to make it clear to him that he is important to you. Special time also gives you a chance to practice your relationship building skills. Set aside 10 to 15 minutes each day for "special time". Each parent should use this time at least 5 days a week to practice the skills below. “Special time” must be one-on-one! Choose activities that are cooperative and creative, like Legos or crafts. Avoid activities that bring out frustration, hyperactivity, or aggressive behavior because they are competitive, complicated, or messy.

During Special time show positive attention by:

1. Praising your child for good behavior, ideas, and work.
2. Being agreeable with what your child says and does as long as it is not breaking rules.
3. Describing out loud what your younger child is doing to make it obvious that you are paying attention and value what he is doing. Actively listening by repeating back what your child says to you to make sure you understand.

Decrease negative interactions by:

1. Not being critical. Avoid criticizing or making sarcastic comments to your child.
2. Not giving commands. Giving commands can lead to refusal, which is not fun.
3. Avoid asking questions. Asking questions can interrupt what a child is doing and focus attention on what you are interested in rather than your child’s interests.

Let's make a plan to increase positive time together so everybody feels ready to listen and be patient.

If parents pay attention to a behavior, it is more likely to happen again. One of the most basic strategies is to praise your child for good behavior. Praise is most effective when it is immediate and specific. Try to catch your child being good and praise him as soon as he starts the good behavior.

Telling your child “Great job!” is good. Saying “Great job picking up your toys” is better. Saying “Great job picking up your toys the first time I asked” tells your child exactly what he did to make you happy.

Don’t cancel out your praise by bringing up past misbehavior, such as “Thanks for picking up your coat. I don’t know why I have to remind you.” If you make your child feel badly when he cooperates, he will be less likely to cooperate again.

Which of the good behaviors you have selected would you like to focus on praising?

Here are some other good behaviors that you have listed.

When trying to manage a child with behavioral problems, it is common to find that praise is not enough to motivate the child to do chores, follow rules, or obey commands. As a result, it is necessary to set up a more powerful program to motivate your child. One such program that has been successful with children is the Home Poker Chip Program (for younger children) or the Home Point System (for older children). Here are the steps to follow:

1. Choose a currency.

Decide what you are going to use to keep track of behaviors. Choose something that is easy for you to manage and that you can control, like inexpensive poker chips that have different colors for each child. If you use something like pennies your kids might find them rather than earn them. Also, try to pick something that your kids will like. Younger kids often like something they can see and hold, such as tokens. Older kids often prefer a point system. Get a notebook and set it up like a checkbook with five columns, one each for the date, the item, deposits, withdrawals, and the running balance.

2. Involve your Child.

Explain the plan and involve your child: We want this system to be as positive as possible. Tell your child that you want to show them how much you appreciate them listening to you by having him earn rewards. Encourage your child to be excited about the program by creating a bank out of an old box or by decorating a poster board with the rules.

3. Make a list of good behaviors.

Make sure you focus on the behaviors that are most important to you (e.g., doing what is asked the first time). You can also include specific tasks or chores that cause frequent problems (e.g., getting ready in the morning, feeding the dog). You can also give your child a bonus chip for good behavior whenever you want. Below are the good behaviors you selected to replace the problem behaviors. Select the ones you want to include in your structured reward system.

The other good behaviors you entered are listed here.

5. Do a little math.

Decide how many chips (or points, etc.) each good behavior is worth. Estimate how many chips your child will earn on a typical day (let’s say 10). Then price the everyday privileges so that your child spends most of his chips (about 2/3rds) everyday (that would be 6 or 7). Price the bigger rewards so that your child can do one or two each week.

For each of the rewards and/or privileges that you selected to add to your system, add a point value.

If you entered other good behaviors, they are listed here:

Enter a cost for each of the rewards and/or privileges that you selected:

Some final points

Here are a free concepts to keep in mind as you begin using your Structured Reward Plan.

Set your child up for success. The first goal is for your child to be successful, so give your child lots of chips at first. After the plan is up and running, require better behavior to earn chips.

Points or chips must be earned. Do not give the chips or points away before the child has done what s/he was told to do, only afterward.

Praise.When you give points or chips for good behavior, smile and tell the child what you like that s/he has done.

Do not take chips away. Your child may lose interest in earning chips if he thinks he might lose them.

Update as needed. Tell your child from the beginning that the behaviors, rewards, and chip values will change over time.

Review and Download Your Behavior Plan

Use the Download button at the bottom of the page to save a copy of your plan to provide clear expectations.