Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations

We are going to go over three steps for providing clear expectations:

1. Making it clear what misbehaviors you want your child to stop
2. Deciding what specific good behaviors you want your child to do instead
3. Making sure you set your child up for success by having reasonable expectations

Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations
Defining Problem Behaviors

What would you like to see your child doing differently?

Improving your child’s behavior requires making it clear to ourselves and our child what we mean by misbehavior. While many families have similar concerns, everybody has different goals for what they would like to see change.

Please start by listing the concerns that led you to seek help. We have listed some of the most common concerns that caregivers have. Check the ones that apply to your child and add your own.

Check all that apply:

Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations
Measuring Severity

You listed the following misbehaviors that you would like your child to stop doing:

Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations
Replacing Misbehaviors with Good Behaviors

Now that we know what misbehavior you want to see less of, we need to be very specific about the opposite good behaviors you want to see replace them. If you tell your child to stop doing something, there are a lot of things he could do instead, and only a small number of those choices will make you happy.

For example, if you tell your child to stop yelling, he might be quiet and start hitting. He listened to you, but still is misbehaving. Telling our children to stop does not tell them want you want them to start doing instead. To set you and your children up for success, make it very clear what positive behavior they need to do to be successful.

For each problem behavior that you selected choose a specific positive behavior that you would like to see your child doing more often. We offer some common suggestions for each misbehaviors you selected.

Good behaviors to replace

Good behaviors to replace

Good behaviors to replace

Good behaviors to replace

Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations

Now that we are clear about which good behavior we would like to see replace the misbehavior, we need to make sure that we have realistic expectations. If we expect our children to do something that they have little chance of being able to do, they will probably be unsuccessful and we all will be frustrated. Our goal is to gradually expect a little more from our children than they have done before.

Here are some common ways that parents expect too much from their children.

Ineffective commands

Sometimes children misbehave when we don’t make it clear what we expect them to do. For example, a child may not know what his mother requires when she says “Behave!” Or, a child may think they have the option to say “no” when his father asks “Can you turn off your video game now?”, rather than giving a command.

Children are most likely to listen when parents first get their attention, and then give a specific command that makes it clear what they need to do to be successful. In short, we want to provide effective commands, instead of making a request.

Here are some examples:

1. Pick up your toys. instead of... Can you pick up your toys now?
2. Please turn off the TV. instead of... Don’t you think it is time to turn off the TV?
3. It is time for dinner. Come to the table. instead of... Dinner’s ready.
4. Choose another toy to play with. instead of... Play nice with your sister, okay?

Giving mixed messages

Children often do what we do as parents, rather than what we say. Make sure you act the way you want your child to act. If you yell when you get angry, then your child will be more likely to yell when he is angry. If you stay calm and talk through problems, this will encourage your child to do the same. In addition, make sure that all caregivers (especially Mom and Dad, but also grandparents, nannies) are giving similar messages.

Asking Too Much

Sometimes parents ask their children to do something they are not able to do. This might include asking a child with ADHD to complete a list of five tasks or expecting a 4-year-old to play by herself for an hour. Just because other children are capable of completing a task, does not means your child will be able to at this point in time. The best guide to what a child is likely able to do, is what he has regularly done before.

Being Unprepared

Sometimes it is better to prevent a misbehavior by planning ahead, then to expect a child to handle a challenging situation. For example, children are more likely to misbehave when they are tired, hungry, bored, or under stress. Anticipating times and places where these factors make it hard for a child to cooperate can help parents prepare for or prevent misbehavior.

Goals for Setting Clear and Reasonable Expectations

You have identified the following good behaviors to replace the misbehaviors that are causing concern:

Thinking about how have communicated to your child in the past, which of the following changes do you think it would be most helpful to giving your child clear and reasonable expectations?

You can review your behavior plan on the next page.

Review and Download Your Plan To Provide Clear Expectations

Use the Download button at the bottom of the page to save a copy of your plan to provide clear expectations.

Step 2: Encouraging Good Behavior

Every time your child misbehaves there is an opposite good behavior you would like to have seen instead. Since most children respond better to rewards than to punishment, we are going to learn three skills for increasing the likelihood that your child will engage in desirable behavior.

1. Build a strong relationship through increasing positive interactions
2. Praise good behavior
3. Use a structured reward system

Planning Special Time

When families are stuck in patterns of misbehavior, many times the relationship between child and parents becomes tense and strained. Parents begin to feel like most of their time and energy goes into nagging, disciplining, reminding, and yelling at their kids. Children are angry, argumentative and get attention most often for misbehaving. During these times, no one feels like staying calm or being patient. Here are some strategies to help strengthen or rebuild the parent-child relationship. You may do many of these strategies already, but doing them more can decrease misbehavior by helping everyone feel better.

Schedule “special time” with your child every day to make it clear to him that he is important to you. Special time also gives you a chance to practice your relationship building skills. Set aside 10 to 15 minutes each day for "special time". Each parent should use this time at least 5 days a week to practice the skills below. “Special time” must be one-on-one! Choose activities that are cooperative and creative, like Legos or crafts. Avoid activities that bring out frustration, hyperactivity, or aggressive behavior because they are competitive, complicated, or messy.

During Special time show positive attention by:

1. Praising your child for good behavior, ideas, and work.
2. Being agreeable with what your child says and does as long as it is not breaking rules.
3. Describing out loud what your younger child is doing to make it obvious that you are paying attention and value what he is doing. Actively listening by repeating back what your child says to you to make sure you understand.

Decrease negative interactions by:

1. Not being critical. Avoid criticizing or making sarcastic comments to your child.
2. Not giving commands. Giving commands can lead to refusal, which is not fun.
3. Avoid asking questions. Asking questions can interrupt what a child is doing and focus attention on what you are interested in rather than your child’s interests.

Let's make a plan to increase positive time together so everybody feels ready to listen and be patient.

If parents pay attention to a behavior, it is more likely to happen again. One of the most basic strategies is to praise your child for good behavior. Praise is most effective when it is immediate and specific. Try to catch your child being good and praise him as soon as he starts the good behavior.

Telling your child “Great job!” is good. Saying “Great job picking up your toys” is better. Saying “Great job picking up your toys the first time I asked” tells your child exactly what he did to make you happy.

Don’t cancel out your praise by bringing up past misbehavior, such as “Thanks for picking up your coat. I don’t know why I have to remind you.” If you make your child feel badly when he cooperates, he will be less likely to cooperate again.

Which of the good behaviors you have selected would you like to focus on praising?

Here are some other good behaviors that you have listed.

When trying to manage a child with behavioral problems, it is common to find that praise is not enough to motivate the child to do chores, follow rules, or obey commands. As a result, it is necessary to set up a more powerful program to motivate your child. One such program that has been successful with children is the Home Poker Chip Program (for younger children) or the Home Point System (for older children). Here are the steps to follow:

1. Choose a currency.

Decide what you are going to use to keep track of behaviors. Choose something that is easy for you to manage and that you can control, like inexpensive poker chips that have different colors for each child. If you use something like pennies your kids might find them rather than earn them. Also, try to pick something that your kids will like. Younger kids often like something they can see and hold, such as tokens. Older kids often prefer a point system. Get a notebook and set it up like a checkbook with five columns, one each for the date, the item, deposits, withdrawals, and the running balance.

2. Involve your Child.

Explain the plan and involve your child: We want this system to be as positive as possible. Tell your child that you want to show them how much you appreciate them listening to you by having him earn rewards. Encourage your child to be excited about the program by creating a bank out of an old box or by decorating a poster board with the rules.

3. Make a list of good behaviors.

Make sure you focus on the behaviors that are most important to you (e.g., doing what is asked the first time). You can also include specific tasks or chores that cause frequent problems (e.g., getting ready in the morning, feeding the dog). You can also give your child a bonus chip for good behavior whenever you want. Below are the good behaviors you selected to replace the problem behaviors. Select the ones you want to include in your structured reward system.

The other good behaviors you entered are listed here.

5. Do a little math.

Decide how many chips (or points, etc.) each good behavior is worth. Estimate how many chips your child will earn on a typical day (let’s say 10). Then price the everyday privileges so that your child spends most of his chips (about 2/3rds) everyday (that would be 6 or 7). Price the bigger rewards so that your child can do one or two each week.

For each of the rewards and/or privileges that you selected to add to your system, add a point value.

If you entered other good behaviors, they are listed here:

Enter a cost for each of the rewards and/or privileges that you selected:

Some final points

Here are a free concepts to keep in mind as you begin using your Structured Reward Plan.

Set your child up for success. The first goal is for your child to be successful, so give your child lots of chips at first. After the plan is up and running, require better behavior to earn chips.

Points or chips must be earned. Do not give the chips or points away before the child has done what s/he was told to do, only afterward.

Praise.When you give points or chips for good behavior, smile and tell the child what you like that s/he has done.

Do not take chips away. Your child may lose interest in earning chips if he thinks he might lose them.

Update as needed. Tell your child from the beginning that the behaviors, rewards, and chip values will change over time.

Review and Download Your Behavior Plan

Use the Download button at the bottom of the page to save a copy of your plan to provide clear expectations.

Discouraging Misbehavior

When children misbehave, parents need to calmly and quickly enforce limits. We will learn skills for responding to misbehavior in a way that will make it less likely that your child will do it again.

1. Ignore misbehaviors done for your attention
2. Use consequences for breaking rules and refusing to cooperate
3. Deliver consequences quickly, calmly and consistently without repeating or arguing

We have already learned that your attention is very important to your child. Since paying attention to a behavior makes it more likely to happen again, sometimes the best approach to misbehavior is to simply ignore it.
Here are some times to consider using ignoring.

1. Behaviors done to get your attention. Ignoring works bests for behaviors that are done to get your attention or get a reaction from you, like whining or hurtful statements. If you ignore these behaviors your child is likely to stop doing them once he learns that you won’t respond.
2. With other strategies. Ignoring can be use with other consequence, such as time out. Often when parents tell their child to do something, the child will respond with arguing, debating, or negotiating. Parents often give this behavior too much attention by arguing back, explaining why the child needs to do what was asked, repeating the command, or allowing a negotiation. When parents respond and give attention to these comments, children are likely to argue again the next time, rather than cooperating. This is a good time for parents to practice ignoring the arguing while using the consequence that we will review next to address the lack of cooperation. Parents can also use ignoring with praise. When kids do what is asked the first time, but complain while they are doing it, parents can praise the compliance and ignore the complaining.
3. Picking your battles. Ignoring can also be used for behaviors that are annoying, but not worth arguing about. These behaviors won’t go away, but you will have one less argument with your child.

How to use Ignoring:

1. Explain to your child what behaviors you will be ignoring and that you want him to stop.
2. Avoid giving your child any attention (i.e., avoid looking at the child, smiling, frowning, or commenting on the child’s behavior).
3. Ignore the annoying behavior every time it occurs.
4. Expect the ignored behavior to increase at first.
5. Be consistent. Continue ignoring the behavior once you start ignoring it.
6. Praise your child immediately for behavior that is the opposite of an annoying behavior.

Ignoring should not be used for behaviors that are dangerous (such as hitting brother) or behaviors that are naturally reinforced (such as sneaking a cookie before dinner).

The other misbehaviors you entered are listed here:

When children misbehave, either by refusing to do what you tell them to or by breaking a rule, it is important to respond quickly, calmly and consistently. Consequences should be used immediately after your child’s misbehavior. This makes it as clear as possible to your child that if he acts that way he will have a consequence. If you delay, argue, repeat yourself, or negotiate before you give a consequence, your child won’t know exactly what he did that crossed the line. There are three main consequences for misbehavior.

Remove a privilege: This involves parents taking away an activity or toy that the child enjoys and is logically related to the misbehavior. For example:

If toys are left out in the family room, they are locked away for a specified period of time.
If the child refused to turn down the volume on the TV, the TV is turned off for that evening.

Requiring an extra positive behavior: This involves parents requiring the child do something positive to make-up for misbehavior. These consequences also encourage positive behaviors in addition to discouraging misbehaviors.

Overcorrection involves requiring the child to make things better, such as by:
If the child purposely breaks another child's toy, then the child must replace it with two toys.
If the child teases his sister he needs to apologize and say five nice things about her.

Positive practice involves parents having the child practice a good behavior multiple times, such as:

If the child forgets to put her dirty dishes in the sink, she must clear the entire table.
If the child runs down the aisle at the store, s/he must walk slowly down the aisle ten times.

Choosing Consequences

For each misbehavior that you selected, choose how you will respond.

Consequences for misbehavior work best when it is very clear to your child, what exactly he did to receive that consequence and what he needs to do differently to avoid consequences in the future. So, parents need to first make it clear what their child needs to do, and second give consequences immediately if their child does not do what was expected. Follow these steps to get the most out of your consequences:

• 1. Give an effective command. Make sure you have your child’s attention, by saying your child’s name, pausing electronics, making eye contact, having him repeat back what you want him to do. If you are requiring your child to do something, give your child a command, “Turn off your game”, rather than a request, “Don’t you think it is time to stop playing?”
• 2. When you give a command say it once and only once. DO NOT repeat the command, negotiate, answer any questions, or do any other talking. If you repeat or explain yourself, your child will learn that he does not need to cooperate the first time you tell him to do something. Instead, he will learn that you don’t really mean it until you repeat it a few times and raise your voice. Also, your child will a) get attention for misbehaving, b) keep arguing or asking questions as long as you keep talking, or c) delay or get out of cooperating.
• 3. Remind your child of the consequences. Instead of repeating the command, responding to questions, or arguing, immediately (within 5 seconds) remind your child that he has a choice to listen now or have a consequence. If you delay the consequence by repeating, arguing, or negotiating with your child it will be less clear to your child whether the consequence was for not listening, or arguing, or yelling, or what. Examples: “You can either get dressed or have a time out until you are ready to get dressed.” or “You can either pick up your toys or I will pick them up and lock them away.” or “It is not okay to hit your sister, you need to apologize and play what she wants to play for 10 minutes”.
• 4. Enforce the consequence. if your child does not immediately begin to do what you asked (~5 seconds) enforce the consequence. For example: “Sit in time out until you are ready to pick up your toys” or “Since I am picking up your toys, I will lock them up.” If you use a consequence other than time out, such as positive practice (e.g., “You need to do two chores because you refused to do one”), and the child refuses, then repeat step 3, that is remind him he has the choice to do the positive practice, now or after time out. For example, “You have a choice, do these two chores or sit in timeout until you are ready to do them.”
• 5. Back-up. If your child refuses to sit in timeout, immediately repeat Step 3 to enforce back up: First explain he has a choice to sit in time-out or go to back up until he is ready to sit in time out. If he does not immediately go to time out, take him to back up until he is ready to sit in time out.
• 6. Follow through. Stick with the plan until your child completes the consequence (time out and any extra positive behaviors) and the original expectation. Don’t back down or your child will learn that you don’t mean what you say and consequences won’t work well.
• 7. Praise your child. After you give your child a consequence for a misbehavior look for a chance to praise him for a good behavior.
• 8. Stay Calm. Showing that you are angry can make you child more upset, or encourage his misbehavior.

Review and Download Your Plan for Discouraging Misbehavior

Great Job!

You have completed a plan to improve your child's behavior through clear expectations, rewards, and consequences. Review your full plan below and click the Download Worksheet button to save it and print it.

Remember, this plan is your first draft. You will almost certainly need to revise it over time.