Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations

We are going to go over three steps for providing clear expectations:

1. Making it clear what misbehaviors you want your child to stop
2. Deciding what specific good behaviors you want your child to do instead
3. Making sure you set your child up for success by having reasonable expectations

Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations
Defining Problem Behaviors

What would you like to see your child doing differently?

Improving your child’s behavior requires making it clear to ourselves and our child what we mean by misbehavior. While many families have similar concerns, everybody has different goals for what they would like to see change.

Please start by listing the concerns that led you to seek help. We have listed some of the most common concerns that caregivers have. Check the ones that apply to your child and add your own.

Check all that apply:

Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations
Measuring Severity

You listed the following misbehaviors that you would like your child to stop doing :

Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations
Replacing Misbehaviors with Good Behaviors

Now that we know what misbehavior you want to see less of, we need to be very specific about the opposite good behaviors you want to see replace them. If you tell your child to stop doing something, there are a lot of things he could do instead, and only a small number of those choices will make you happy.

For example, if you tell your child to stop yelling, he might be quiet and start hitting. He listened to you, but still is misbehaving. Telling our children to stop does not tell them want you want them to start doing instead. To set you and your children up for success, make it very clear what positive behavior they need to do to be successful.

For each problem behavior that you selected choose a specific positive behavior that you would like to see your child doing more often. We offer some common suggestions for each misbehaviors you selected.

Good behaviors to replace

Good behaviors to replace

Good behaviors to replace

Good behaviors to replace

Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations

Now that we are clear about which good behavior we would like to see replace the misbehavior, we need to make sure that we have realistic expectations. If we expect our children to do something that they have little chance of being able to do, they will probably be unsuccessful and we all will be frustrated. Our goal is to gradually expect a little more from our children than they have done before.

Here are some common ways that parents expect too much from their children.

Ineffective commands

Sometimes children misbehave when we don’t make it clear what we expect them to do. For example, a child may not know what his mother requires when she says “Behave!” Or, a child may think they have the option to say “no” when his father asks “Can you turn off your video game now?”, rather than giving a command.

Children are most likely to listen when parents first get their attention, and then give a specific command that makes it clear what they need to do to be successful. In short, we want to provide effective commands, instead of making a request.

Here are some examples:

1. Pick up your toys. instead of... Can you pick up your toys now?
2. Please turn off the TV. instead of... Don’t you think it is time to turn off the TV?
3. It is time for dinner. Come to the table. instead of... Dinner’s ready.
4. Choose another toy to play with. instead of... Play nice with your sister, okay?

Giving mixed messages

Children often do what we do as parents, rather than what we say. Make sure you act the way you want your child to act. If you yell when you get angry, then your child will be more likely to yell when he is angry. If you stay calm and talk through problems, this will encourage your child to do the same. In addition, make sure that all caregivers (especially Mom and Dad, but also grandparents, nannies) are giving similar messages.

Asking Too Much

Sometimes parents ask their children to do something they are not able to do. This might include asking a child with ADHD to complete a list of five tasks or expecting a 4-year-old to play by herself for an hour. Just because other children are capable of completing a task, does not means your child will be able to at this point in time. The best guide to what a child is likely able to do, is what he has regularly done before.

Being Unprepared

Sometimes it is better to prevent a misbehavior by planning ahead, then to expect a child to handle a challenging situation. For example, children are more likely to misbehave when they are tired, hungry, bored, or under stress. Anticipating times and places where these factors make it hard for a child to cooperate can help parents prepare for or prevent misbehavior.

Goals for Setting Clear and Reasonable Expectations

You have identified the following good behaviors to replace the misbehaviors that are causing concern:

Thinking about how have communicated to your child in the past, which of the following changes do you think it would be most helpful to giving your child clear and reasonable expectations?

You can review your behavior plan on the next page.

Review and Download Your Plan To Provide Clear Expectations

Use the Download button at the bottom of the page to save a copy of your plan to provide clear expectations.