• Working on Thoughts
  Step 1: Identifying Thinking Traps

  Please select all the thinking traps you tend to fall into. Check all that apply:

• You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation is anything less than perfect, you see it as a total failure.
  • ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING

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• You see a single event as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using the words ALWAYS or NEVER when you think about it
  • OVERGENERALIZATION

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• You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively. One word of criticism erases all the praise you've received.
  • MENTAL FILTER

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• You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count." If you do a good job, you tell yourself that anyone could have done as well.
  • DISCOUNTING THE POSITIVE

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• You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion. Two common variations are MIND-READING (you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you) and FORTUNE-TELLLING (you assume and predict that things will turn out badly.)
  • JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS

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• You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize your desirable qualities. This is also called the "binocular trick."
  • MAGNIFICATION

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• You assume that your negative emotions reflect the way things really are: "I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person."
  • EMOTIONAL REASONING

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• You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. Many people try to motivate themselves with SHOULDS and SHOULDN'TS, as if they had to be punished before the could be expected to do anything.
  • “SHOULD"STATEMENTS

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• This is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying "I made a mistake," you attach a negative label to yourself:"I'm a loser."
  • LABELING

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• You hold yourself personally responsible for events that aren't entirely under your control.
  • PERSONALIZATION AND BLAME

• Working on Thoughts
  Step 2: Replacing Negative Thoughts

• Replacing Misbehaviors with Good behaviors

  Now that we know what misbehavior you want to see less of, we need to be very specific about the opposite good behaviors you want to see replace them. If you tell your child to stop doing something, there are a lot of things he could do instead, and only a small number of those choices will make you happy.

  For example, if you tell your child to stop yelling, he might be quiet and start hitting. He listened to you, but still is misbehaving. Telling our children to stop does not tell them want you want them to start doing instead. To set you and your children up for success, make it very clear what positive behavior they need to do to be successful.

  Translate your list of problem behaviors that led you to seek help into specific positive behaviors that you would like to see your child doing more often. We translated the most common misbehaviors here and list some more examples below:

• Replacing all or nothing thinking
  You identified All or nothing thinking as one of your traps. Here is an example: I woke up late for school; I might as well just not go because I am such a failure. Write a more realistic thought to replace it.
• Replacing Misbehaviors with Good behaviors
  • Accepts limits politely (instead of Argues)
  • Do what is told the first time (instead of Refuses to follow instructions)
  • Handle frustration calmly (instead of Tantrums)
  • Use words to solve problem (instead of Hitting / pushing / kicking)
  • Speaks with “indoor voice” (instead of Screaming or talking too loudly)
  • Lets other kids choose the game (instead of Bosses other kids around)
  • Uses pleasant tone (instead of Whines)
  • Plays nicely with animals (instead of Plays roughly with animals)
  • Plays carefully with toys (instead of Plays roughly with, or breaks, toys)
  • Uses nice words (instead of Swears or uses bad language)
  • Uses words to express frustration (instead of Makes threats)
  • Gives compliments and says nice things (instead of Criticizes others or says mean things)
  • Acts pleasant and cheerful (instead of Acts angry or irritable)
  • Waits for one’s turn (instead of Interrupts)
  • Eats what prepared/leaves a clean table (instead of Refuses to eat / bad table manners)
  • Takes responsibility (instead of Blames others)
  • Doing things on time (instead of Stalling)
  • Uses strategies to remain calm (instead of Has anger or emotional outbursts)
  • Other:

• Being Realistic

• You listed the following misbehaviors that you would like your child to stop doing :

  	Your child's misbehaviors
  Angry/Irritable
  Argumentative/Defiance
  Other misbehaviors

  1. Now that we are clear about which good behavior we would like to see replace the misbehavior, we need to make sure that we have realistic expectations. If we expect our children to do something that they have little chance of being able to do, they will probably be unsuccessful and we all will be frustrated. Our goal is to gradually expect a little more from our children than they have done before.

     Here are some common ways that parents expect too much from their children.

  2. Ineffective commands

     Sometimes children misbehave when we don’t make it clear what we expect them to do. For example, a child may not know what his mother requires when she says “Behave!” Or, a child may think they have the option to say “no” when his father asks “Can you turn off your video game now?”, rather than giving a command.

     Children are most likely to listen when parents first get their attention, and then give a specific command that makes it clear what they need to do to be successful. In short, we want to provide effective commands, instead of making a request.

     Here are some examples:

     1. Pick up your toys. instead of... Can you pick up your toys now?
     2. Please turn off the TV. instead of... Don’t you think it is time to turn off the TV?
     3. It is time for dinner. Come to the table. instead of... Dinner’s ready.
     4. Choose another toy to play with. instead of... Play nice with your sister, okay?

  3. Giving mixed messages

     Children often do what we do as parents, rather than what we say. Make sure you act the way you want your child to act. If you yell when you get angry, then your child will be more likely to yell when he is angry. If you stay calm and talk through problems, this will encourage your child to do the same. In addition, make sure that all caregivers (especially Mom and Dad, but also grandparents, nannies) are giving similar messages.

  4. Asking Too Much

     Sometimes parents ask their children to do something they are not able to do. This might include asking a child with ADHD to complete a list of five tasks or expecting a 4-year-old to play by herself for an hour. Just because other children are capable of completing a task, does not means your child will be able to at this point in time. The best guide to what a child is likely able to do, is what he has regularly done before.

  5. Being Unprepared

     Sometimes it is better to prevent a misbehavior by planning ahead, then to expect a child to handle a challenging situation. For example, children are more likely to misbehave when they are tired, hungry, bored, or under stress. Anticipating times and places where these factors make it hard for a child to cooperate can help parents prepare for or prevent misbehavior.

  6. Goals for Setting Clear and Reasonable Expectations

     You listed the following expectations for good behavior that you would like your child to do :

     .

Thinking about how have communicated your expectations to your child in the past, which areas do you think it would be most helpful for you to make improvements?

• Review and Download Your Behavior Plan

• Thinking Strategies

  To improve mood it helps to identify and replace thinking patterns that make you feel more depressed.

  These are the patterns you identified:
  -

  • Recently, these problem behaviors have been: .
  • Replacing Problem Behavior with Good Behavior
    These are the good behaviors that need to happen more often: .

  • Being Realistic
    1. Give Effective Commands. Parents will let kids know that it is time to cooperate by getting their attention and then giving a specific command, such as “Pick up your toys”, rather than a polite request “Can you pick up your toys now?”

    2. Model Expectations. Parents will use the same rule and expectations and they will act the way they expect kids to act, for example by staying calm and using their words when angry.

    3. Expect the right amount.Parents will only tell kids to do things, that the parents believe the kids have the ability to do. The best guide to what a child is likely able to do, is what he has regularly done before.

    4. Be prepared.When possible, parents will plan ahead to avoid of help kids prepare for situations that are likely to lead to misbehavior. Such as helping kids avoid being over tired, bored, or hungry.

    These are the are ways that parents are going to focus on to make sure expectations are clear: .

    In summary, to set us up for success, parents will make it clear what they expect kids to do and make sure that it is something kids are likely able to do.

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