• Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations

• To achieve our goal of obtaining Clear Expectations, we will go over three steps, in order:

  1. Identifying misbehaviors you want your child to stop;

  2. Deciding and replacing the specific good behaviors for your child to do instead;

  3. Setting reasonable expectations for your child.

  Let's get started.

• Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations

• What are your child's misbehaviors?

  Improving your child’s behavior requires making it clear to ourselves and our child what we mean by misbehavior. While many families have similar concerns, everybody has different goals for what they would like to see change.
  Please start by listing the concerns that led you to seek help. We have listed some of the most common concerns that caregivers have.

• Other Misbehaviors*

• How big of a problem is this now?

  Now, let’s get an idea of how severe a problem your child’s behavior has been; how often does the behavior get in the way and how upsetting is it? Check a number along the right-hand side of the page that represents how much of a problem your child’s symptoms have been recently.
• Over the past 2 weeks my concerns have been…*

  Over the past 2 weeks my concerns have been…

  • A huge problem (extremely upsetting, stopped almost all daily activities)
  • A huge problem (extremely upsetting, got in the way of most daily activities)
  • A big problem (very upsetting, got in the way of most daily activities)
  • A big problem (very upsetting, got in the way of many daily activities)
  • A medium problem (upsetting, got in the way of many daily activities)
  • A medium problem (upsetting, got in the way of some daily activities)
  • A medium problem (somewhat upsetting, got in the way of some daily activities)
  • A small problem (somewhat upsetting, got in the way of a few daily activities
  • A small problem (a little upsetting, got in the way of a few daily activities)
  • Not a problem (a little upsetting, but did not get in the way of daily activities)
  • Not a problem (not present, did not get in the way of daily activities)

• Approximately one month after you begin using these parent skills, review this page. If the list of problem behaviors is shorter and your ratings are lower keep doing what you are doing. If the list and ratings haven’t changed, you might need more assistance putting your plan in place.

• Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations

• Summary

• You listed the following misbehaviors that you would like your child to stop doing :

  	Your child's misbehaviors
  Angry/Irritable
  Argumentative/Defiance
  Other misbehaviors

  1. What good behavior would you like to see replace the misbehavior?

  2. Now that we know what misbehavior you want to see less of, we need to be very specific about the opposite good behaviors you want to see replace them.

     For example, if you tell your child to stop yelling, he might be quiet and start hitting. He listened to you, but still is misbehaving. Telling our children to stop does not tell them want you want them to start doing instead. To set you and your children up for success, make it very clear what positive behavior they need to do to be successful.

     Translate your list of problem behaviors that led you to seek help into specific positive behaviors that you would like to see your child doing more often. We translated the most common misbehaviors here and list some more examples below:

  3. List your desired behaviors:

  4. • Accepts limits politely (instead of Argues)
     • Do what is told the first time (instead of Refuses to follow instructions)
     • Handle frustration calmly (instead of Tantrums)
     • Use words to solve problem (instead of Hitting / pushing / kicking)
     • Speaks with “indoor voice” (instead of Screaming or talking too loudly)
     • Lets other kids choose the game (instead of Bosses other kids around)
     • Uses pleasant tone (instead of Whines)
     • Plays nicely with animals (instead of Plays roughly with animals)
     • Plays carefully with toys (instead of Plays roughly with, or breaks, toys)
     • Uses nice words (instead of Swears or uses bad language)
     • Uses words to express frustration (instead of Makes threats)
     • Gives compliments and says nice things (instead of Criticizes others or says mean things)
     • Acts pleasant and cheerful (instead of Acts angry or irritable)
     • Waits for one’s turn (instead of Interrupts)
     • Eats what prepared/leaves a clean table (instead of Refuses to eat / bad table manners)
     • Takes responsibility (instead of Blames others)
     • Doing things on time (instead of Stalling)
     • Uses strategies to remain calm (instead of Has anger or emotional outbursts)
     • Other:
  5. Other good behaviors*

• Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations

• Here is the updated table with your child's misbehaviors and what you would like to change :

  	Your child's misbehaviors	Your desired behaviors
  Angry/Irritable
  Argumentative/Defiance
  Other misbehaviors

  1. Being Realistic

  2. Now that we are clear about which good behavior we would like to see replace the misbehavior, we need to make sure that we have realistic expectations. If we expect our children to do something that they have little chance of being able to do, they will probably be unsuccessful and we all will be frustrated. Our goal is to gradually expect a little more from our children than they have done before.

     Here are some common ways that parents expect too much from their children.

  3. Ineffective commands

     Sometimes children misbehave when we don’t make it clear what we expect them to do. For example, a child may not know what his mother requires when she says “Behave!” Or, a child may think they have the option to say “no” when his father asks “Can you turn off your video game now?”, rather than giving a command.

     Children are most likely to listen when parents first get their attention, and then give a specific command that makes it clear what they need to do to be successful. In short, we want to provide effective commands, instead of making a request.

     Here are some examples:

     1. Pick up your toys. instead of... Can you pick up your toys now?
     2. Please turn off the TV. instead of... Don’t you think it is time to turn off the TV?
     3. It is time for dinner. Come to the table. instead of... Dinner’s ready.
     4. Choose another toy to play with. instead of... Play nice with your sister, okay?

  4. Giving mixed messages

     Children often do what we do as parents, rather than what we say. Make sure you act the way you want your child to act. If you yell when you get angry, then your child will be more likely to yell when he is angry. If you stay calm and talk through problems, this will encourage your child to do the same. In addition, make sure that all caregivers (especially Mom and Dad, but also grandparents, nannies) are giving similar messages.

  5. Asking Too Much

     Sometimes parents ask their children to do something they are not able to do. This might include asking a child with ADHD to complete a list of five tasks or expecting a 4-year-old to play by herself for an hour. Just because other children are capable of completing a task, does not means your child will be able to at this point in time. The best guide to what a child is likely able to do, is what he has regularly done before.

  6. Being Unprepared

     Sometimes it is better to prevent a misbehavior by planning ahead, then to expect a child to handle a challenging situation. For example, children are more likely to misbehave when they are tired, hungry, bored, or under stress. Anticipating times and places where these factors make it hard for a child to cooperate can help parents prepare for or prevent misbehavior.

  7. Goals for Setting Clear and Reasonable Expectations

     You listed the following expectations for good behavior that you would like your child to do :

     .

Thinking about how have communicated your expectations to your child in the past, which areas do you think it would be most helpful for you to make improvements?

• Step 1: Providing Clear Expectations

• Review and Download Your Behavior Plan

• Here is the updated table with your child's misbehaviors, desired behaviors and things you can do as parents to improve your child's behaviors.

  	Your child's misbehaviors (Needs to happen less)	Your desired behaviors (Needs to happen more)	Areas you want to improve in (What parents can do)
  Angry/Irritable
  Argumentative/Defiance
  Other misbehaviors
  Problem behaviors have been:

  2. Being Realistic: Tips for Parents to Improve Compliance
     1. Give Effective Commands. Parents will let kids know that it is time to cooperate by getting their attention and then giving a specific command, such as “Pick up your toys”, rather than a polite request “Can you pick up your toys now?”

     2. Model Expectations. Parents will use the same rule and expectations and they will act the way they expect kids to act, for example by staying calm and using their words when angry.

     3. Expect the right amount.Parents will only tell kids to do things, that the parents believe the kids have the ability to do. The best guide to what a child is likely able to do, is what he has regularly done before.

     4. Be prepared.When possible, parents will plan ahead to avoid of help kids prepare for situations that are likely to lead to misbehavior. Such as helping kids avoid being over tired, bored, or hungry.

     In summary, to set us up for success, parents will make it clear what they expect kids to do and make sure that it is something kids are likely able to do.

     • Hidden
       Screenshot File Name
       Edit the "Default Value" field on the "Advanced" tab.

     • Download Worksheet Download Worksheet